Fandom: It’s Me, It’s Me (2013)
Warning: Spoilers for the movie. Also, crack.
Summary: In which Nao goes insane, Sejima fails at life, and Hitoshi gives up.
Also on AO3
Notes: The title is taken from the lyrics of Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen.
“You’ve gotta do something!”
Hitoshi is like, “wha…?”
“He’s crazy, he’s driving me crazy, his face is stupid, I hate him, and you have to make him go away!”
“Nao,” Hitoshi says, blinking blearily, “it’s two in the morning. What are you doing in my apartment? Also, why are you sitting on me?”
Hitoshi has had many daydreams about the things he would like to wake up to. A rain of money. A full English breakfast with a ton of waffles and scones. Manager Tajima becoming a goldfish. Namie Amuro naked in his bed.
Finding his own face staring back at him from an inch away is not one of them.
He stares some more.
Must still be asleep, he decides. He turns his head and puts the pillow over his head.
“Hitoshi-san! I’m in crisis here! Hitoshi-san! Hitoshi-saaaaaaan!”
He tightens his hold on the pillow. There’s nothing there, there’s nothing there, there’s no voice there, that weight pressing down on him isn’t actually there—
“Hitoshi-saaan!” Then he feels the bed bounce and the frame creak threateningly, like somebody just jumped on the bed. “Hitoshi-saaaan!” Followed by another bounce and creak. “Hitoshi-saaan!” Bounce and creak. “Hitoshi—“
Hitoshi gives up.
“So what you’re saying is, Sejima’s terrorizing you?” Hitoshi asks, clutching his mug of warm milk like a lifeline. Mostly his brain is telling him Sejima who??? Terrorizing how??? Sleep sleep go back to slee—
“Haven’t you been listening?! Sejima, the asshole who has an unhealthy love for military themed things, as well as smirking and snarling at the most inappropriate times! He’s been throwing things at my windows for several nights in a row now, and he keeps, he keeps sending me these ridiculous traps, probably in the hope I would fall flat on my face and die. ”
Wow, cool. Er, not the dying part, but the part where Nao’s answering his unasked questions. It’s like he could read his mind or something—
Oh right. Self.
Military things and inappropriate snarling? That must be the one with the impressive afro hair and Rambo-wannabe attitude. So he’s a real nutbasket headcase, then? Hitoshi’s so going to tell Daiki I told you so next time he sees him. And probably gloat a little about how right he is, and Daiki-mr-I-know-everything should better start listening to him more now.
“And… you want me to do what?”
“Make him stop! I need my sleep, okay, but I can’t go to sleep knowing that maniac’s gonna come by and throw things at my windows in the middle of the night!”
“Funny, since you’ve just woken me up fr—“
“And those clothes he likes to wear! Who does he think he is, a soldier of the army? Not to mention also that hideous headband he wears, or those ugly sunglasses! How could he wear sunglasses in the night? Didn’t he know that people who wear their sunglasses at night are either blind, or assholes?!”
“Actually, that saying meant ‘inside’ and not ‘at night.’ And the appro—“
“What’s up with his obsession with sticking his tongue out disgustingly like that anyway? Did he think he should’ve been born a snake or something?”
“His tong—why would you even notice *that*?”
“Like, why does he even choose to wear sleeveless tanktops all the time? He should realize just because he works out with Daiki-san everyday, doesn’t mean he’s gonna get muscles to show for it!”
“…Daiki works out?”
“Hitoshi-san! Focus! We’re talking about how horrible Sejima is, because he is clearly a horrible, horrible person! One who likes to surprise unassuming people on the streets only to smirk creepily at them!”
“By people, you mean you, rig—“
“I also don’t know why he feels the need to go threatening me every time he sees my face! Or start spewing strings of military jargons that always end up with the word ‘explode’! He must be trying to confuse me to death! Urgh, I hate his stupid, stupid face!”
“You do realize you have the same face, right?” he feels the need to point out.
Nao explodes. “That’s not the point! The point is I need him and his stupid face and stupid arms and stupid grenades and stupid, stupid tongue to go away! Away from me! Preferably forever! Can you believe that last time, the asshole tried to—“
Hitoshi stares forlornly at his nearly empty mug of milk. “It’s just you and me, buddy.” He tells it sadly, as Nao keeps raving on and on.
It’s a long, long morning.
“So.” Hitoshi says, clutching his ramen bowl with both hands. “Sejima, I heard you’ve been trying to delete Nao.”
“I was just asking.” Hitoshi mumbles, and stares some more at his bowl of ramen like it holds the secrets of the universe. Because it clearly does, of course, and not at all because he’s trying to avoid looking at his two companions, oh no.
Here they are in Nao’s place without Nao himself present. Instead, Sejima sits at Nao’s small table with Daiki beside him on one side and Hitoshi on another, having a bowl of ramen and a can of cold beer—which has become customary in every one of their ‘Me Empire’ bonding session.
…if this could be called as such.
“You couldn’t be further away from the truth.” Daiki says, calmly sipping his beer.
“I’m not even aware there’s a truth to get to! What’s all this, then?” he demands, addressing Sejima. “Nao told me you tried to make him explode!”
“At the festival,” Sejima growls, because clearly he doesn’t know how to talk like a normal, decent person, “Nao said he loved watching things in the sky explode. So I asked him whether he’d like to go blowing things up some more.”
Hitoshi blinks. “I… what?”
“I brought grenades.” Sejima adds.
“You brought grenades.” Hitoshi repeats. Because, you know, maybe if he repeats it enough times, it’d start making sense. Seriously, grenades.
“I know, right?” Sejima growls with all the compassion of a wronged party. “Grenades are so lame. I’ve asked for a rocket launcher, but I was told it won’t be available for two months, and I was in a hurry!”
“Rocket la—I mean, what. How. Where did you even. You knew about this?” he asks Daiki accusingly.
Daiki shrugs, and continues eating his ramen calmly like nothing’s wrong at all.
Hitoshi kinda hates him a little.
“Listen, hey, Sejima. That exploding in the sky thing? Nao meant fireworks, okay, not real bombs. Nobody wants to see real bombs, or grenades, or rockets and their weapon family outside TV, okay. Nobody.”
Sejima glowers at him.
“I do.” Daiki says. “I think they’re cool.”
Hitoshi glares at him.
Daiki’s lips quirk up, forming something that’s halfway into a smile. He has that expression on his face which on another person’s face might be called ‘fond.’
Hitoshi calls it ‘a trick of the light.’
“Let me get this right, so you weren’t trying to delete Nao by blowing him up?”
Daiki snorts. “You really use interesting choice of words.”
Hitoshi ignores him. “Well?”
“Yes. No.” Sejima pauses. Glares. Snarls. “Not literally, no.”
If Hitoshi didn’t know better, he’d think Sejima actually looks rather sullen as of that moment. Hitoshi narrows his eyes. “Explain.”
“Nao always, um.” Sejima clears his throat. It resembles the sound of a cat swallowing a large mouse to Hitoshi’s ears. “You know. Nao always flails his hands around all the time? Especially when he shouts and gets—”
“Worked up.” Daiki supplies, looking right at Hitoshi.
“Yes, that.” Sejima half-growls. “Then he’d look at you with his face all—“
“Red.” Daiki supplies again.
“Yes.” Sejima glares at his ramen bowl. “Which makes him look really—”
“Adorable.” Daiki says, still looking at Hitoshi.
Sejima just nods in agreement.
“Okay...” Hitoshi says slowly, because some things are just better left unexplained. “Fine, so you’re just trying to make him angry. But there’s also the fact that you threw things at his windows. At night. And how you also threatened him every time you see him—what. What are you looking at me like that for, I ask you.”
Because by this time the look Sejima sends him is no longer of the glaring kind, but more to the glowering category.
Daiki calmly sips the soup from his nearly finished ramen bowl.
“I read a book—“ Sejima starts to growl, while Hitoshi’s brain’s mostly still stuck on you read? “—that says you have to give them things, and do some extravagant gestures, and—and tell them each time you see them what they meant to you.”
A blink. “I… don’t understand.”
“I love explosives.” Sejima grits his teeth, enunciating each word carefully. “I also have already studied military tactics for years. So I offered to share my explosives and military reserves with Nao since I heard he liked things that go *boom.* I tried to declare my intentions to him every time I saw him, but he kept running away before I could finish. Since he lived in the first floor, I couldn’t try to climb into his window, so I thought I would just knock on his window and read him my offer of oaths.”
He stares at Sejima, mouth hanging open.
Daiki sips his beer calmly.
Sejima’s glower is soon joined by his growling noises.
Extravagant gestures and climbing windows. Give them things—could it be those knives and tiny bombs Nao claimed were left under his windows every night were not threats, but gifts, instead?
“Are you—are you telling me you’re *romancing* Nao?” Hitoshi shouts, incredulous.
Sejima’s glower increases in intensity. “What’s wrong with that?”
“But you’re…you, and Nao is, well, Nao.” He eyes Sejima doubtfully.
“Sejima, why don’t you tell us the reason you like Nao?” Daiki sends Hitoshi a stern look.
“During military training, it’s important to have plenty of spirits, and I. I find Nao’s passion incredibly attractive. Also, how he likes to shouts at times—“
“He’s passionate, I could give you that.” Hitoshi says. “But he’s also incredibly annoying, and loud, and he snores, too. He’s also a total slob—“
Sejima gets up and leaves.
“What?” Hitoshi says, when Daiki sends him a long-suffering look. “What did I say?”
Daiki sighs. “Nothing.”
“Huh.” Nao says.
“I know, right?” Hitoshi says. “How could that guy think leaving a grenade in the house of someone you like is the same as leaving them a rose?”
“Maybe he’s not *that* bad.” Nao’s voice sounds strange, Hitoshi thinks. Maybe he’s having a cold?
“No, he’s worse.” Hitoshi says with feelings. “Even though both Sejima and Daiki seem interested in martial arts, at least Daiki’s not obsessive about it like Sejima. Also, unlike Daiki, Sejima doesn’t know how to talk like a normal person, he has weird tastes—“
“Hey,” Nao says.
“Are you talking about Daiki-san?”
A blink. “Why would I talk about Daiki? I thought we’re talking about Sejima.”
“Poor Daiki-san.” Nao says under his breath.
“Anyway, speaking of Daiki, he left me Sejima’s cell number. In case he’s still bothering you.”
“Maybe you should just call Daiki-san instead.” Nao says prissily.
He stares at Nao. “Do you want to call Daiki?”
“What! Why would I?”
“I don’t understand why you’re suddenly mad at me!”
“I don’t understand why you even need to have that freak’s number!”
Hitoshi pauses. “Do you want Sejima’s number?”
“Yes! I mean, no!” Nao shouts. “Why would I even want to have *his* number?”
“Exactly!” Hitoshi says. “After all, he’s a horrible, horrible person—“
Nao glares at him.
“What? You’re the one who told me that!”
“Nothing.” Nao snaps, and then proceeds to ignore him.
This is getting confusing real fast.
Ever since that, Hitoshi’s careful not to bump into any other him, given that every other members of ‘Me Empire’ seem to send him disapproving looks every time they sees him—for reasons Hitoshi’s not even aware of. Which is totally unfair, by the way.
“You need to buy a clue.” Sayaka says on the rare chance Hitoshi gets to see her and tells her everything.
“What. What clue? What are you even on about?” he looks at her in confusion.
But she just pats him on the head and looks indulgent, like he’s a particularly stubborn puppy who refuses to learn his commands.
As he’s still avoiding everyone, he has to find new places to eat since the usual ones are not an option. That’s why he nearly gets a heart attack when, in front of a fast food joint on the other side of town from Nao’s place, he finds Nao and Sejima pressed against each other, kissing. Nao’s hands are on Sejima’s face, while Sejima’s are touching Nao’s waist in what appears to be careful, tender hold.
“Oh my god, my eyes.”
Because, really, what the hell.
Nao doesn’t even look chagrined when he sees him. His face flushes a healthy red, but Hitoshi strongly suspects the flush is not from his arrival and more from the kissing, which is just—no.
Sejima just looks happily smug.
“I thought you find him unbearable!” he reminds Nao accusingly.
“Well,” Nao says, looking shifty, “he just has his moments, I guess.”
“You told me his tongue obsession is stupid!”
Hitoshi doesn’t wanna know.
“I still don’t get it.” Hitoshi says.
“Uh uh.” Daiki says.
“I just thought they hate each other, you know.” Hitoshi’s saying, as he changes into a more comfortable wear for sleep.
“Sure.” Daiki says. “Come here.”
He takes Daiki’s hand and climbs into bed beside him. “I mean, Nao kept complaining about him and Sejima kept scaring Nao, so how in the world those two even got together?” he lies on his side, facing his door. A second later he feels Daiki settling in behind him, an arm draped around his abdomen, while one leg tangled between his own.
Wait a minute.
“Why are you in my bed?”
“I got tired of waiting.”
“Tired of—what. I mean, what.”
“Never you mind.” He feels Daiki smile against his nape, his breath tickling the sensitive skin. “This is pretty nice, don’t you think?”
Well. When you put it like that.
Then a thought hits him.
“Wait, Daiki, does this mean you *like* me?”
“Ow! What did you headbutt me for?!”
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